Sometimes I still have thoughts of death, like if I died tomorrow and didn’t create a life for myself, does it really matter? I am 1 of billions of humans. I am meaningless. I am sad. I am lonely in my heart. No one knows me. If I died, who cares. I’ll be gone and life will go on.
However, Fall 2013 and Winter 2014 were big periods in my life where I saw the other side- purpose/goals/dreams. But my body is tired and aches and my mind cannot take it anymore. My injured hamstrings are never going to heal and I don’t think I can continue anymore.
How many times can I start over? If giving up is an option why even try?
can i please be important to just one person
I wish that I could have that one person I could talk to about anything and everything. What is a best friend? What is a relationship? What is family?
I think everything happens for a reason. I have ruined my life in so many ways, but it has taught me so many things…to have compassion, to be real, how to fight when it’s the last thing you want to do, who is actually going to stick around for you, what i believe is important in life, and that the world doesn’t have to be the way you think it will be
its 2am. i find myself up at this time every night of the week for the past month or so. i wanna scream and run and leave my house forever.
translation: i wanna be cured from my leg pain so i can go back to being happy and social and ALIVE
January and February were just too good to be true. I laughed. I cried. I talked. I smiled. I lived. I did teenager things. I was never in bed. I left my house for hours at a time. I made friends at the gym. I got amazing grades. I got another raise.
Two good months come with two bad months.
March and April are super hectic and stressful with school and work and injuring my hamstring and being super depressed about it. I can’t go do my new favorite thing-workout. Going to the gym made me so so so happy. It was part of my day. It gave me structure. It made me feel strong/powerful/worthy/confident. But now I have been going to physical therapy for the past 6 weeks because I strained my hamstring and my hips keep tilting out of place AND EVERYTHING IS RUINED. I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. Right when I begin getting my life together it falls apart. I’m so upset that I can’t stop my depressive thoughts. I’ve learned to control my mind and happiness which is partly why 2014 has been amazing. But I can’t get past this. I can barely walk and everything that I gained mentally and physically at the gym has gone away and I don’t know when my body is finally going to heal and I hate the unknown. I swear this is karma. My body is like “hey you are happy and eatting great and wanting to actually take care of me, well I’m going to injure your leg because of all you’ve done to me in the past so I will take your happiness right back from you”
i like 2014 so far. i like how close i am to my friends again. i like that i went to 2 parties. i like that i went out on new years eve. i like that i went to a hotel with 14 girls for girls night. i like that we all went to lava and turning stone. i like that boys are talking to me. i like that i stayed out all night yesterday. i like that a boy took me to the gym today. i like that my boss promoted me. i like that i got a raise. i like that my coworkers are becoming my friends. i like being a person. i like that i paint my nails again. i like doing my hair again. i like real life in this moment. i like january.
The past couple weeks have shown me a kind of existence that I didn’t even think was possible a year ago, and really as long as I can remember. I’m realizing that being truly well is infinitely more satisfying than being sick (or than being mostly well while romanticizing sickness). So many things, good things, can happen when you give up on controlling your life (let’s be honest, it’s not like trying to control things has made me happy in the past). I feel like I’ve been repeating myself to an extent the past few weeks, but it’s hard to formulate into words how grateful I am for the way things have changed. I wonder if it’s as obvious from in the outside as it feels from the inside.
when people start to tell me things and are like “omg please don’t judge me”
i’ve eaten a 2 large containers of Nutella with a spoon in one sitting,
i’ve given myself an enema,
i didn’t shave for 4 months,
my puppy has eaten rotten food in my closet
i couldn’t judge you even if i tried
- get closer to my best friends again
- be a better person:
- nicer to my family
- random acts of kindness
- pay it forward
- less selfish
- be more organized:
- plan my days (for structure)
- on time to school
- on time to work
- less rushed
- go on social media less
- read more
I wish things would go back to normal in someway in terms of the way people view me. I don’t want my family/friends to think I am still ‘sick.’ I’ve never been more content and peaceful in my mind than I am now. I’ve never felt like more of a person. I’m actually thinking about a future in life. I’m creating goals to become a better person. I actually have dreams. I’m confident in being myself. AND I WISH SOMEONE COULD SEE IT.
but I feel like once someone sees you in a certain light, it’s hard to change their perspective.
I JUST FINISHED MY FIRST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE.. WHATTT
For some reason I am just seeing this.. pleasant surprise!
Honor an Idea: This is YOUR LIFE.
Don’t you wish you had all the answers? Have you ever wondered what your purpose is? Have you ever thought your life is going nowhere because there are 11 year olds coming in second place on X Factor and little kids running marathons, and you are 18 years old and have done nothing yet? What am I going to be good at? Or maybe you have it all figured out and good for you, but I think its 2013; why can’t we type in google ‘what my life purpose is’? It works for everything else.
Like I said a few times before, I stopped going to school for three months in my junior year of high school. When school stopped for me, my life began to feel empty. I was not quite sure what I was living for. I think my problem was that I kept searching for purpose in all the wrong places. I kept expecting it to turn up in grades or tests or competitions or other trivial assignments. And yet, every time I reached out, I came back empty handed. I was always thinking ‘I’m tired and I hate this, but I have to get good grades. This is my job.’ My problem was that I didn’t know school hardly skims the surface of what life has to offer.
I found this quote during that time and it really opened my eyes. It says “There are 7 billion people on this planet who I have not met, and 195 countries I have not visited.Yet I am stuck in this insignificant town, being pressured into making decisions about my future, when I barely even know who I am” And then I thought, I could go online right now, buy a plane ticket to London, and never come back. Obviously I didn’t because here I am, but still, it’s possible. I realized I can build my life however I want. I realized I didn’t have to experience the world the way I’ve been told to.
Social norms of going to school, getting good grades, graduating, finding a job, getting married and having children, and living happily ever after limits people and their potential of what they could be. I’m not saying those things aren’t important. So if you really are passionate about being a nurse, then go to school, learn a lot, and get that job you really want. We obviously need people to fill all sorts of jobs. But my point is, do it because your passionate about it, not because you have to. And realize there is more than one direct path to get to what you are passionate about. You are in control of your own life.
My goal is to never be that person that comes home after a long day and complains about my job because I find my parents doing that quite often. In the past year I’ve had three jobs. I quit the first two because I hated what I was doing and was not in a positive work environment. And now I have a job that I don’t dread going to. A good friend of mine was a news reporter for YNN for years, and was so unhappy that she walked right up to her boss and quit. It was one of the greatest decisions she has made because now she is an entrepreneur. She made herself a writer and a speaker. She has written a book, which, side-note, I am in so I’m pretty much famous, and she is also a speaker that travels everywhere and does presentations on overcoming fear to fulfill passions and change your perspective. And the best part is she is a caring, passionate individual who gets to wake up everyday and lead a life she wants.
I used to care too much about what other people thought. I was afraid to live a free life because I didn’t want to be judged by others. I was afraid to fail and even more afraid of how others would react and what they would say. I’d say those feelings are part of being human though, but once you can begin to let that go you can live a life thats yours and thats not determined by other people.
My family and friends think I’m a lunatic for my organic, natural, non-gmo food choices but I am not letting them affect my actions because this is my life. In high school I did not want to drink party and have sex for people to like me, so I chose to make my way through school friendless because this is my life. I wore this shirt today and I don’t care if you don’t like it because I love it and this is my life. I try to work as much as I can, and I save all my money I’m making so that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, I can buy that plane ticket to London and live there for a year and buy another ticket to Australia, and another to Japan and then another to come back and move to a little town in California and experience things I thought could never be in my reach because this is my life. Six months ago I didn’t have one single dream, absolutely none. I didn’t even want to wake up to see the next day. But now I am determined to make at least one of my dreams come true before I die, even if it is as little as finding a best friend. Since I’m a quote hoarder I have one last quote to share with you. Emma Watson once said, “I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be who I really am. I’m going to figure out what that is.” I love that she said that because I hope all of us can figure out what it is one day. Or maybe by 2018 we can google it.
"I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you."
"Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself." - Sylvia Plath
"I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is." - Hugh Mackay
"Everyday when you wake up you get to choose what that day’s gonna be. It could suck or it could be amazing, it could be terrible or it could be good, and I kind of have a theory that you could decide to make whatever day it is a good day." - Ryan Tedder
"I’m going to make everything around me beautiful-that will be my life."
"It is better to be alone than to be with someone who can’t see who you are."
"When you are washing the dishes, washing the dishes must be the most important thing in your life. Just as when you are drinking tea, drinking tea must be the most important thing in your life. Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the whole world revolves—slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future. Live the actual moment. Only this actual moment is life."- Thich Nhat Hanh
"Don’t sit and wait. Get out there, feel life. Touch the sun, and immerse in the sea." - Rumi
"I will spend more time with myself in this lifetime than anyone else. Let me learn to be the kind of person I would like to have as a friend."
'I love myself.' the quietest. simplest. most powerful. revolution ever. -nayyirah waheed
"When nobody else celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself. When nobody else compliments you, then compliment yourself. It’s not up to other people to keep you encouraged. It’s up to you. Encouragement should come from the inside." - Joel Osteen
"An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you." - Goi Nasu
"Do not chase people. Be you and do your own thing and work hard. The right people who belong in your life will come to you, and stay." - Wu Tang Clan
"Someday, someone is going to look at you like you’re the best thing in the world."
"Do what you need to do so you can do what you want to do. Be where you need to be so you can get to where you want to be."
"The real world does not start when you leave high school, when you can legally drink, or when you get a job. You have been in the real world your whole life. So go live it."
"Always remember.. believe in you, believe in life, believe in tomorrow, believe in everything you do, any time." - Bill Kaulitz
"For what it’s worth: it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over again." - F. Scott Fitzgerald
"It only takes one person to change your life: you." -Ruth Casey