For some reason I am just seeing this.. pleasant surprise!
Honor an Idea: This is YOUR LIFE.
Don’t you wish you had all the answers? Have you ever wondered what your purpose is? Have you ever thought your life is going nowhere because there are 11 year olds coming in second place on X Factor and little kids running marathons, and you are 18 years old and have done nothing yet? What am I going to be good at? Or maybe you have it all figured out and good for you, but I think its 2013; why can’t we type in google ‘what my life purpose is’? It works for everything else.
Like I said a few times before, I stopped going to school for three months in my junior year of high school. When school stopped for me, my life began to feel empty. I was not quite sure what I was living for. I think my problem was that I kept searching for purpose in all the wrong places. I kept expecting it to turn up in grades or tests or competitions or other trivial assignments. And yet, every time I reached out, I came back empty handed. I was always thinking ‘I’m tired and I hate this, but I have to get good grades. This is my job.’ My problem was that I didn’t know school hardly skims the surface of what life has to offer.
I found this quote during that time and it really opened my eyes. It says “There are 7 billion people on this planet who I have not met, and 195 countries I have not visited.Yet I am stuck in this insignificant town, being pressured into making decisions about my future, when I barely even know who I am” And then I thought, I could go online right now, buy a plane ticket to London, and never come back. Obviously I didn’t because here I am, but still, it’s possible. I realized I can build my life however I want. I realized I didn’t have to experience the world the way I’ve been told to.
Social norms of going to school, getting good grades, graduating, finding a job, getting married and having children, and living happily ever after limits people and their potential of what they could be. I’m not saying those things aren’t important. So if you really are passionate about being a nurse, then go to school, learn a lot, and get that job you really want. We obviously need people to fill all sorts of jobs. But my point is, do it because your passionate about it, not because you have to. And realize there is more than one direct path to get to what you are passionate about. You are in control of your own life.
My goal is to never be that person that comes home after a long day and complains about my job because I find my parents doing that quite often. In the past year I’ve had three jobs. I quit the first two because I hated what I was doing and was not in a positive work environment. And now I have a job that I don’t dread going to. A good friend of mine was a news reporter for YNN for years, and was so unhappy that she walked right up to her boss and quit. It was one of the greatest decisions she has made because now she is an entrepreneur. She made herself a writer and a speaker. She has written a book, which, side-note, I am in so I’m pretty much famous, and she is also a speaker that travels everywhere and does presentations on overcoming fear to fulfill passions and change your perspective. And the best part is she is a caring, passionate individual who gets to wake up everyday and lead a life she wants.
I used to care too much about what other people thought. I was afraid to live a free life because I didn’t want to be judged by others. I was afraid to fail and even more afraid of how others would react and what they would say. I’d say those feelings are part of being human though, but once you can begin to let that go you can live a life thats yours and thats not determined by other people.
My family and friends think I’m a lunatic for my organic, natural, non-gmo food choices but I am not letting them affect my actions because this is my life. In high school I did not want to drink party and have sex for people to like me, so I chose to make my way through school friendless because this is my life. I wore this shirt today and I don’t care if you don’t like it because I love it and this is my life. I try to work as much as I can, and I save all my money I’m making so that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, I can buy that plane ticket to London and live there for a year and buy another ticket to Australia, and another to Japan and then another to come back and move to a little town in California and experience things I thought could never be in my reach because this is my life. Six months ago I didn’t have one single dream, absolutely none. I didn’t even want to wake up to see the next day. But now I am determined to make at least one of my dreams come true before I die, even if it is as little as finding a best friend. Since I’m a quote hoarder I have one last quote to share with you. Emma Watson once said, “I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be who I really am. I’m going to figure out what that is.” I love that she said that because I hope all of us can figure out what it is one day. Or maybe by 2018 we can google it.
Today made me feel important, worthy, peaceful, happy, confident, & strong. I liked today. Deciding to take public speaking was a good decision after all.
"I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you."
"Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself." - Sylvia Plath
"I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is." - Hugh Mackay
"Everyday when you wake up you get to choose what that day’s gonna be. It could suck or it could be amazing, it could be terrible or it could be good, and I kind of have a theory that you could decide to make whatever day it is a good day." - Ryan Tedder
"I’m going to make everything around me beautiful-that will be my life."
"It is better to be alone than to be with someone who can’t see who you are."
"When you are washing the dishes, washing the dishes must be the most important thing in your life. Just as when you are drinking tea, drinking tea must be the most important thing in your life. Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the whole world revolves—slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future. Live the actual moment. Only this actual moment is life."- Thich Nhat Hanh
"Don’t sit and wait. Get out there, feel life. Touch the sun, and immerse in the sea." - Rumi
"I will spend more time with myself in this lifetime than anyone else. Let me learn to be the kind of person I would like to have as a friend."
'I love myself.' the quietest. simplest. most powerful. revolution ever. -nayyirah waheed
"When nobody else celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself. When nobody else compliments you, then compliment yourself. It’s not up to other people to keep you encouraged. It’s up to you. Encouragement should come from the inside." - Joel Osteen
"An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you." - Goi Nasu
"Do not chase people. Be you and do your own thing and work hard. The right people who belong in your life will come to you, and stay." - Wu Tang Clan
"Someday, someone is going to look at you like you’re the best thing in the world."
"Do what you need to do so you can do what you want to do. Be where you need to be so you can get to where you want to be."
"The real world does not start when you leave high school, when you can legally drink, or when you get a job. You have been in the real world your whole life. So go live it."
"Always remember.. believe in you, believe in life, believe in tomorrow, believe in everything you do, any time." - Bill Kaulitz
"For what it’s worth: it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over again." - F. Scott Fitzgerald
"It only takes one person to change your life: you." -Ruth Casey
I can’t stand to think my life is going by so fast and I’m not really living it. Why is it so hard to understand how incredible it is to be alive and young? I want people. I want places. I want emotions. I want connections. I want experiences. Time drives me crazy; The way I continue to stand still and watch it pass by.
I forgot about this blog. I didn’t want to remind myself about it. But I did. And here is what i think today.
Two years ago I made this blog. I made it so that I could keep myself mentally sane. I was in such a dark dark place in my life. I honestly don’t even remember it being so dark when I look back, but after reading it all i remember. As I was reading each post it tugged a string at my heart.
I remember how horrible I was to myself. I can’t believe I ever let the negative energy consume me and control my life. I want cry just thinking about how I let myself get that way.
I am not the same person I was two years ago. And I would like to congratulate myself for digging my way out. All my myself.
Everyday is not a walk in the park, but the world is spinning on and I try to inspire myself everyday that it is all worth it.
DID NOT GO BACK
THIS IS HOW I CHANGED MY MIND:
I’m starting to realize that if I want to recover at all, I need to rebuild my entire life and not just the eating part. I’ve decided to recover because I know I can’t win. I know that I have to be at a healthy weight for my own body. No matter what I will have to reach my set point one day so why not start now. By eating and fueling my body I will be winning.
I have to let my mind except the fact that this part of my life HAS to be over. No more treatment. No more escaping real life. No more being seen as the poor sick ghost girl. No more striving to lose weight and be sick. I have it let it all go. It’s over.
I feel like this whole lapse is completely my fault and therefore I am not really sick. Whenever I have a bad thought I want to train myself to turn it around into something positive instead of fueling the fire into staying sick. Because I find myself lighting that flame far too often.
I have to recognize the positives in being well, alive, living life or else I’ll be stuck feeling defeated and hopeless forever. I also think it will be important to surround myself with positive people and find more. And keep those I have met this past year that make me feel loved and know the real me there for support.
After all these years I am going to actually TRY. I was never trying before and that is why I am still here in this terrible place. I just wanted to MAINTAIN my eating disorder that way I could still have it. I didn’t see the point in living or being in recovery because they’re both miserable, but now I know I can use the power of my mind to not make it be that way. I’ve been sad for too long. Im no longer sure how to be happy. I should be though, right? RIGHT? I don’t have a reason to stay sad. But I’ve become so used to being sad that I find myself WANTING to be sad. Its addictive! That’s the number one thing I have to work on right now- how to find happiness.
I’m relying on my eating disorder to keep me company , give me a sense of self and security. I can’t anymore. I have to accept LIFE from this point forward, without intensive treatment. NO ONE CAN SAVE ME BUT MYSELF. So I have to do this on my own- FIND Elizabeth.
I have that “not sick enough” burden on me. I’ve never gotten help this fast. Usually I’m emaciated with a heart rate in the 30s. Currently have a normal heart rate and only need to gain 10 pounds instead of 30 pounds like usual. It’ll be three weeks to find a new fresh motivation to actually want to live again.
I finally made a therapy appointment after 5 long months and the results are in..
I’m too depressed to function and need antidepressants, but I refuse to take them. She said my other options without taking meds are these: I would need to get a job so I don’t stay in bed, I would need to attempt to make friends so I’m not lonely, and I would need to go to therapy and actually talk. We concluded IM TOO DEPRESSED TO ATTEMPT ANY OF THAT which gets me no where, hence medicine.
I’m running out time before college in the fall. something needs to click in my head that makes me want to get better and try 100% WITHOUT TAKING MEDICINE BECAUSE I REFUSE TO TAKE THAT ROUTE.
I’m not going back for another appointment because it’s just going to be the same conversation over and over again until I take the medicine. So I’m not wasting her time. And for now I guess I’ll continue to sit here in my bed and wait for a miracle.
Is there any hope out there?
Ohhhh and I’m thinking of switching therapists because we don’t have as good of a connection as I’d like, but I do not want to tell my whole life story over again..
it still shocks me when i realize i am not the only person in the world who thinks and feels such strange and awful things. going to wednesday night alumni group at the centre really hits me hard; so many people, so many emotions, so many secrets. everyone with the same and different issues. i always have to hold myself back from crying because i feel everyone’s sadness and it gets overwhelming. its almost like they are speaking for me. basically, we all carry the same pain. for once i feel like im not alone, not as crazy when im there.
it scares me how there is people who have been struggling for longer than i have been alive. it scares me that its going to get worse. it scares me that new people continually enter that door with the same problems. it scares me that many, many people have entered that door more than once, including me. before this moment i never realized how many men and women out there have eating disorders and suffer daily. you would think the choice between wasting your life away and living would be easier. we are a bunch of sick people trying to recover, dewsperately trying to encourage each other to do what none of us are absolutely convinced we want to do—get better.
i wish it really did get easier
i wish it really would get better
i wish we really could recover.
When I’m with my family or friends I feel like there is an invisible wall between us. I just can’t seem to connect with anybody on any level. I don’t know how to express feelings or emotions or talk about myself. I am dead inside. I’m not okay and I’m tired of pretending that I’m ‘fixed’ when I’m not. Sometimes I find myself sitting for a long period of time staring at nothing. Everything seems meaningless. I hate this overwhelming feeling that I don’t belong here and it wouldn’t matter much one way or the other if I just disappeared. Sometimes I wonder whats the point of anything if one day we’re not going to be here anyway. And when I think that I feel panicky because the fact that I can even think that way scares me, so I try not to think about it. But no one has any idea how pointless it all seems when you honestly believe you’re not good enough for anything.
No one understands how sad I am. or how lonely I feel. I even listen to depressing songs to make me feel worse. But why? why am i so unhappy? why am i constantly looking for reasons not to be happy? im so selfish. i loathe in self pity when there are people out there with worse lives and i should act more grateful. yet here i am addicted to the sadness i know so well. it is familiar, comfortable, and easy, but poisons everything i do at the same time. i cant turn it off and it comes naturally now. there is a sense that this is how its going to be now.
i dont know who i am anymore. i feel so lost and uninspired and ive been going through the motions of life, but not really living for a very long time.years have gone by and i havent done anything. im tired of going to bed at night knowing each day is going to be the same tedious struggle. there is nothing to live for. i am realizing more and more everyday how insignificant i am and everything is.
Now that I turned 18 I can make all of my own medical decisions. Good/Bad?
I am too depressed to move or function, but sadly that doesn’t get me out of class. I’m constantly torn between wanting to look perfect in school and not caring what I look like because I’m too lazy and depressed to even get out of bed. This week I’ve decided to throw my appearance out the window and dressing in sweatpants and crap because I’m sick of pretending I’m fine when I’m not.
UGH. I don’t want to do homework. I can’t. My brain is dead. I don’t know why this happens but it’s like if I try to do anything I just end up staring at the page for 10 minutes..my grades are totally slipping and I might even get my first B! I can’t even fathom the thought of that; I never want to see a B on my report card ever. I mostly do my homework in lunch while I eat. But I literally can’t do my homework until the last possible second, sometimes even finishing it up right up until I hand it in. It’s horrible.
I don’t ever want to do anything anymore. I’m just so sad all of the time. I zone out in class and at home. Time passes and I don’t even notice. I’m detached from my own life and from this world entirely. I actually kinda miss the days when the only thing I had to worry about was my meal plan and recovery and that shit. now I have to worry about real life problems and remember to brush my teeth and somehow I can’t seem to do that.