When your friends are losing weight and you are forced to gain..sweeeeeet.
i spend my weekdays counting down to the weekend.
i spend my daytimes counting down to nighttime.
i spend my minutes counting down to a new hour.
i spend all of my time, counting time, wasting time.
and i don’t want to anymore.
Hung out with a friend for the first time this year!
We went jet skiing at my new lake house(summer home on Oneida Lake)
The only bad thing is that I don’t eat all my calories when I have friends with me..because they don’t know I count calories..and I don’t know how to just eat normal without measuring. But I feel like its okay that I’m counting calories because it keeps me on track and safe. Right? Except now I need to learn to be able to have a life/friends and eat at the same time. Challenge of the summer
i’ve come to the conclusion
that i will always care about people significantly more than they will ever care about me. i will continue to think about them all the time even after they have completely forgotten about me. this tends to result in me being a very lonely person.
I just feel like no one cares about me. I am all alone with no friends and no one to talk to. Everyone seems so content with their lives and have good friends. That just makes me feel even lonelier.
There’s so much more to me that people will never see because I’m never going to be fully comfortable with myself to be that person I was again. And that’s sad. The old me is d e a d. And part of me is happy because I get to make a new person, but at the same time, I wasn’t half bad and I have no idea where to begin.
I just realized that if someone were to ask me who I am I wouldn’t know what to say. What could I tell them besides that I am a girl. There is nothing outstandingly unique or remarkable about me. I’m just kind of here.
I don’t love myself and that’s why I am unhappy. It makes sense - how can you take care of something if you don’t love it? So here I am. I don’t love myself. In fact, I wish to be somebody else. And that is why I’m so dissatisfied with where I am in my life right now.
Back On Track
Well..with my eating at least.
For the past week I have been eating correctly and conquering food all over again. And it will continue..But this time my motivation is completely different:
I remembered what it felt like to be at my goal weight and realized when I started eating a normal amount of food, my brain started working again. My brain said ‘hey I like this, I like not being starved.’ My thoughts were clearer. I was less cold. My obsessions and rituals decreased. Food/exercise wasn’t the only thing I thought about. My brain was working normally and that is what I want now mostly for school.
Also I feel horrible for doing this to my family. The past 2 months have been full of doctors appointment 2-3 times a week, yelling at home, and hearing me complain about everything. They are sick of this and I don’t want to interfere anymore.
Lastly, is my health. I am afraid I will do long term damage to my body. It scares me to think I could possibly shut my bowels down completely, have gastroparesis, anemia, osteoporosis, infertility, thyroid diseases etc. That can’t and won’t be me.
But the sad part is..I feel guilty and weak for eating..I struggle with knowing if recovery will be worth it and how I can overcome this. I have to do this though..for my family and health.
I skipped school today again. Last week I skipped a day too. It has never gotten to the point where I can’t do schoolwork, but now I can’t. And I mentally can’t take another day of school this week. My brain hurts. I’m crumbling. This worries me because I have the SATs in 9 days! I can’t think straight.
crying myself to sleep
every choice i make, everything i do..i disappoint somebody.
I don’t know what to do.
Why is this so hard? Some days are good. I eat lots of new foods and smile a lot. I look in the mirror and see how strong I’m becoming. All I want is to be completely recovered. But then, like a switch, the disordered part of my mind takes over. And recently, it is controlling everything. I can’t make it stop. It tells me I’m fat. It forces me to hate my reflection. It makes me cry. It shows me how weak I am. And most of all, it runs my life and the lives of those around me are affected.
I don’t want to feel this way anymore. But then again.. what will life be like without it? what will I be without it? As much as I hate it, I love it. This is me, my personality, everything. If it disappears I have no idea who I am anymore.
I’m scared that a really big part of me doesn’t want to go back to doing well. That’s the hardest part. With all this chaos in my head, all of the pain and difficulty of it, I wonder why I am even doing this? Why bother? Will all of that messed-up-ness in my head ever go away?
But now things have gotten worse and I am fighting. Everyday I am battling what I know is right and what my eating disorder wants me to do. Sometimes I do end up winning..and other times I don’t. It’s so hard to want to continue fighting a battle that I feel like I am constantly losing.
How did things get this bad so fast?!! I WAS DOING REALLY GOOD FOR A SOLID 2 MONTHS. At one point I even thought..”I will never go back, it’s not worth it.” BUT LOOK AT ME NOW. I’m such a hypocrite..
Best Report Card Ever
Photography: 100
Regents English: 99
Level 4 Spanish: 100
Advanced Honors Pre-Calc: 100
PE: 96
Honors Chemistry: 99
Regents US History: 97
AVERAGE- 98.92 (So mad that I didn’t get a 97 in gym like I usually do, that way I could have had a 99 average!!)
This was all done at a healthy weight..Makes me wonder what I could have done in my freshman and sophomore years.. if I was healthy and my brain was at its optimum.
I eat, you’re angry.
I don’t eat, you’re angry.
My mom will never be happy with me.
Trapped in my own mind.
There are just so many things going through my mind right now. I don’t even know where to begin.
I dropped a few pounds after getting my wisdom teeth out and getting the stomach bug. They were all right. It’s true. The moment your body gets into a low enough body weight a light switch goes off again.
Basically, food is dominating my every thought. I cannot stop thinking about it. I’m either eating, planning out meals, calculating/measuring meals, counting the hours until the next time I have to eat, or looking up recipes. My meal preparations are getting obsessive too. I measure and them re-measure a few more times. And I continue to lose 2 pounds a week. All my hard work is going down the drain.
I feel like everything - including my progress, my almost-happiness, and everything that comes with it - has all come crashing down on me. It’s terrifying. My moods jump from deep, dark lows to impulsive and out of character highs. It feels unstable. Such an easily upset balance.
Every decision I make is a battle and I am beginning to lose more than I win. I know eventually I am just going to have to gain it all back. So why not start now? Because my mind won’t let me.
i have no social life to speak of.
My parents don’t even realize that I’m depressed. I don’t make an effort to hang out with anyone or even talk to anyone. They don’t know that even when I was hanging out with people, I didn’t enjoy it. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I’ve been depressed for too long, it’s just that I’ve just recently stopped trying all together.
When I go on twitter and see all of the fun things that my friends are doing without me I used to get mad and think “Wow, thanks for the invite..” But I just realized that they really do not have a reason to invite me. I am not fun anymore, so I am no longer mad. Now when I look at them I just feel jealousy and think I wish I was as happy as them.
