I think a part of why I developed an eating disorder was to escape the person I was.

It is ridiculous how easily I get attached to people, but I had mastered the art of not caring while simultaneously caring way too much. I remember back before my eating disorder when I used to push people away purposely to see who actually cared enough to come back. Seriously, how sick is that? I secretly wanted someone to be concerned about me. The sad part is..it wasn’t my family that I wanted. I wanted anyone but my family. Someone out there. It is hard to even admit that to myself; I craved being wanted.

There was never a time in my life where I felt good enough. Important enough. Strong enough. Capable enough. Relevant enough. Worthy enough.

No matter how close I am with somebody there is always someone before me. Everyone chooses someone over me. I am never anyone’s first choice. I’m not anyone’s favorite. People may tell me I mean a lot to them, but I know there is someone they will always choose over me. People always leave. And that is where my eating disorder gladly stepped in-

It gave me a sense of identity. It was my own and I didn’t need anyone to rely on. I could control it, distract myself, not feel anything. A surge of excitement that filled my voids.

Recently I came to this realization from thinking about my time in treatment last year. When I find someone who understands me, I become reallllly attached, but then they’re gone just like that. The truth is I still care and always will. I’m not the type of girl to have a person leave my life and forget everything. I’m always going to think back and say I wonder what happened to so and so. I hope they’re all right. And I will actually mean it because once you’re in my heart you’re there forever. And if we never talk again just remember I am forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me.

If normal people heard what I am about to say, they would confirm my craziness. I feel nostalgia for the happiness I left in treatment, a bittersweet desire for all of that to return. Who wishes to be in treatment? Apparently me? I just cannot stop thinking about the way I felt. I desperately wish I found a best friend there. Everyone else found life long best friends who text and hang out. Not me of course. It would have been amazing, but I don’t think there will ever be a chance again.

I am a wallflower. I disconnect from my surroundings and myself and see things. I stay quiet about them and I understand. Yesterday in my crowded lunch room I found myself looking around and watching everyone laughing and all of a sudden I felt sad and lonely. They all belong to people who belong to them and I am just there. I sit there with my old “friends” and just know I am the least important person and it wouldn’t make a difference if I was there or not.

I had so many thoughts to get out. this is all jumbled…CONCLUSION- PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE ME AS MUCH AS I LIKE THEM.

I truly believe everything happens for a reason. But I still can’t seem to wrap my head around this one though. Why? Why why why.

Wait. Is this real life? I’m applying to colleges today. Someone pinch me

Wish I could put “recovery from an eating disorder” on my resume. haha like seriously though. I feel so lazy for not having much to show for the past two years..if only people understood what a full time job this is.

I guess I never realized how much hating yourself really is taking out of me right now. People don’t realize it affects a lot of life. You can no longer do homework or study because your mind is too consumed with the fact that you are the biggest failure on the planet and you can’t do anything right, so why bother? You can’t see friends because you think everyone hates you, just like you hate yourself, and you’re not worth anyone’s attention or affection anyway. You can’t do any form of exercise without crying because you’re a failure at that too and the thoughts swarm your head that it makes it hard to think about anything at all besides the hatred you feel for yourself. It makes it hard to do anything, even the small things, like cleaning your room and doing the dishes. But no, everyone just thinks you’re lazy and quiet. You have no more energy to be positive or do anything other than sit inside your house all day wishing that one day you won’t feel like this anymore. 

i’m sure there’s some profound explanation as to why but i don’t know what it is unfortunately so for now i’m a prude teenager that no one can get close to

Wow this sounds weird to type but I think the whole “American Dream” aka go to college then fall in love then get married then buy a white house with a nice lawn and a dog then have kids then work your whole life away thing is over rated and I’m not sure if that’s what I want.

“You cannot choose to accommodate your ED and recovery at the same time. It will exhaust you and make recovery an almost impossible road. You must choose recovery, stick to that decision and leave the ED behind.”
-unknown

I CAN’T COMMIT..to either side. I don’t want to deal with this anymore and would like someone to take away my depression, self loathing, and eating disorder and just make me normal, yet I don’t. It’s funny how much this has taken away from me, but I can’t let go. The hardest thing about depression is that it is addictive. I am guilty for feeling depressed, but get guilty for feeling happy. I’m not happy and I’m not sad. I feel guilty if I beat my eating disorders rituals/thoughts, and feel guilty for staying in them. It’s always just one big lose lose situation. I’m not sick, but I’m not recovered. I look fine and well and sometimes act it to, just long enough for the thoughts to fill my head again. I want to be strong but I want to be small. And I want to be alive but I want to be dead. And I want to eat but I want to starve. And I want to be loved but I deserve to be hated. And I don’t know how to find middle ground. It’s just one big mess inside my head.

I don’t know what I want my life to look like.  I’ve been so disconnected from my intuitive self that I find it hard to reconnect with what I want.  Is there really a better life out there for me than being stuck in this depressing, fake ‘life’ void of any real excitement and meaning? I don’t know what I like anymore, I don’t have dreams, and basically I just never ever think about my future. So how am I suppose to choose a college and a major and a career??? I know I’m not the only one in this boat. Many teenagers don’t know either. BUT I feel like I need to know exactly what I want to do before I apply anywhere or else it will just be a waste of my time and money.  I feel like I need to discover my career path that delievers my strengths to make an impact in other peoples lives. But it so hard when I don’t even know who I am, what I want, or what interests me..

One second I think I should study nutrition because that interests me and I already know a lot about it from a nutrition class I took. But then I think maybe thats just a lifestyle I want to live for myself, a holistic healthy life, and not make a career out of it. So I TRY to start thinking of other jobs I would maybe like or could do and I come up with NOTHING. I don’t know what I’m good at..

If someone could just make all the RIGHT decisions in my life for me that would be great!

..all i have to say is that

i have been broken for the last time

i do not think there is any hope to put me back together

i am so beyond shattered

i want everyone to leave me alone forever

i dont think i can live anymore

So the expression I don’t know what I’m feeling is getting over used, but it seems to be true. I really don’t know. ACTUALLY NO. I do know, but I just..I just can’t admit it. I’m mad, I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m furious, I’m lonely, I’m depressed, I’m sad.

I’m pushing every single person away, and people think I don’t care when in reality I’m just losing every bit of myself.

But I’m all alone, lost, drifting away into desolation. My mind is shut, insane. And my heart has lost the ability to believe.

The one story I never wanted to forget has slipped my mind.. It would have been PERFECT for my enlish essay too because I have to write a descriptive story!! and I’m not creative at all

Actual I do. Numbness. I like being alone. At least, I convince myself that I’m better off that way. And I’m sick of writing the same text post saying the same things about how I’m tired of the same problems I can’t seem to fix because I don’t know what’s wrong. I can’t get motivated and how everything sucks. I’m depressed and I’m so good at hiding it and faking it when really I’m so sad and unhappy and I just want to crawl up in a ball and stay in the dark buried under the blankets and never face the world, except most people say that but the difference with them and me is that I think about food all the time because apparently it’s my number one coping skill. But I’m still trying to figure out from what..it’s like a black hole and you can never see inside. A combination of a few things perhaps.

What a relief. My job is done because I’m seasonal and they only needed me for the back-to-school season for about 3 weeks. She said to call back at the end of October to be hired for the holiday season, but honestly I don’t know if I should. I hated work. It was so scary to talk to everyone and try to get them to buy jeans. I dreaded going in everyday and the thought made me nauseous. I would sit in the car waiting to go inside sweating and shaking. Maybe I should get a different job like as a cashier at panera bread or wegmans, so I don’t have to talk to people and not have to only work seasonal time periods. Decisions..decisions

On Sunday I decided I should apply for a job since everyone has been recommending I get one to get me out of the house and everything and I will have my own car very soon. So my mom and I drove to the mall and I asked for an application from American Eagle. I decided to fill it out right away in the middle of the mall. As I was doing so my mom and I were joking saying she might not even call for an interview. Little did I know when I went to introduce myself and hand it in she wanted to interview me there right on the spot!! I was not prepared for this at all. I cannot stop thinking about how stupid answers were and I still cannot wrap my head around why she liked me and decided to hire me right then and there!!!!

My first day is today. Ahhhhh!!!

I also made the decision to eat 2400 calories this past week and I gained a pound so I made my therapist so happy with gaining weight and finally getting a job. No more partial for me.

coming up with so many different scenarios in my head of what is possibly going to happen within the next week.

• i can lie and water load
• i can eating 2500 calories everyday, show her my meal plans i ate, convince her i can do it on my own and hope for the best
• i can tell her i will go to my dietitian and doctor more often for accountability. and ask for a new therapist.
• i can do nothing and go back to php
• i can cancel my appointment w/o anyone knowing
• i can skip the appointment