the one and only thing i hate about recovery is how much of a roller coaster your days are. one day, you’re happy and smiling and feel on top of the world. you might feel like that the next day or the next few days. but suddenly, you feel horrible and want to cry to no end. i really hate it
Just because I can eat without freaking out does not mean I am not working for every bite. Just because I don’t cry every night (in front of you, anyway) does not mean that I am no longer struggling. Weight restored does not mean recovered. Every day, every meal, I have to fight this disorder with everything I have. I am trying as hard as I possibly can, and it wears me out.
I’m so tired.
Officially started my hand written journal and wrote 6 pages straight. Now I remember why typing on here is so much easier. My hand hurts.
i don’t want to go to therapy i just don’t even care anymoreI mean I haven’t been since the end of August, so about four months ago. Everything is fine, but I wish I was dead.
I think a part of why I developed an eating disorder was to escape the person I was.
It is ridiculous how easily I get attached to people, but I had mastered the art of not caring while simultaneously caring way too much. I remember back before my eating disorder when I used to push people away purposely to see who actually cared enough to come back. Seriously, how sick is that? I secretly wanted someone to be concerned about me. The sad part is..it wasn’t my family that I wanted. I wanted anyone but my family. Someone out there. It is hard to even admit that to myself; I craved being wanted.
There was never a time in my life where I felt good enough. Important enough. Strong enough. Capable enough. Relevant enough. Worthy enough.
No matter how close I am with somebody there is always someone before me. Everyone chooses someone over me. I am never anyone’s first choice. I’m not anyone’s favorite. People may tell me I mean a lot to them, but I know there is someone they will always choose over me. People always leave. And that is where my eating disorder gladly stepped in-
It gave me a sense of identity. It was my own and I didn’t need anyone to rely on. I could control it, distract myself, not feel anything. A surge of excitement that filled my voids.
Recently I came to this realization from thinking about my time in treatment last year. When I find someone who understands me, I become reallllly attached, but then they’re gone just like that. The truth is I still care and always will. I’m not the type of girl to have a person leave my life and forget everything. I’m always going to think back and say I wonder what happened to so and so. I hope they’re all right. And I will actually mean it because once you’re in my heart you’re there forever. And if we never talk again just remember I am forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me.
If normal people heard what I am about to say, they would confirm my craziness. I feel nostalgia for the happiness I left in treatment, a bittersweet desire for all of that to return. Who wishes to be in treatment? Apparently me? I just cannot stop thinking about the way I felt. I desperately wish I found a best friend there. Everyone else found life long best friends who text and hang out. Not me of course. It would have been amazing, but I don’t think there will ever be a chance again.
I am a wallflower. I disconnect from my surroundings and myself and see things. I stay quiet about them and I understand. Yesterday in my crowded lunch room I found myself looking around and watching everyone laughing and all of a sudden I felt sad and lonely. They all belong to people who belong to them and I am just there. I sit there with my old “friends” and just know I am the least important person and it wouldn’t make a difference if I was there or not.
I had so many thoughts to get out. this is all jumbled…CONCLUSION- PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE ME AS MUCH AS I LIKE THEM.
I truly believe everything happens for a reason. But I still can’t seem to wrap my head around this one though. Why? Why why why.
Wait. Is this real life? I’m applying to colleges today. Someone pinch me
Wish I could put “recovery from an eating disorder” on my resume. haha like seriously though. I feel so lazy for not having much to show for the past two years..if only people understood what a full time job this is.
I guess I never realized how much hating yourself really is taking out of me right now. People don’t realize it affects a lot of life. You can no longer do homework or study because your mind is too consumed with the fact that you are the biggest failure on the planet and you can’t do anything right, so why bother? You can’t see friends because you think everyone hates you, just like you hate yourself, and you’re not worth anyone’s attention or affection anyway. You can’t do any form of exercise without crying because you’re a failure at that too and the thoughts swarm your head that it makes it hard to think about anything at all besides the hatred you feel for yourself. It makes it hard to do anything, even the small things, like cleaning your room and doing the dishes. But no, everyone just thinks you’re lazy and quiet. You have no more energy to be positive or do anything other than sit inside your house all day wishing that one day you won’t feel like this anymore.
i’m sure there’s some profound explanation as to why but i don’t know what it is unfortunately so for now i’m a prude teenager that no one can get close to
Wow this sounds weird to type but I think the whole “American Dream” aka go to college then fall in love then get married then buy a white house with a nice lawn and a dog then have kids then work your whole life away thing is over rated and I’m not sure if that’s what I want.
“You cannot choose to accommodate your ED and recovery at the same time. It will exhaust you and make recovery an almost impossible road. You must choose recovery, stick to that decision and leave the ED behind.”
I CAN’T COMMIT..to either side. I don’t want to deal with this anymore and would like someone to take away my depression, self loathing, and eating disorder and just make me normal, yet I don’t. It’s funny how much this has taken away from me, but I can’t let go. The hardest thing about depression is that it is addictive. I am guilty for feeling depressed, but get guilty for feeling happy. I’m not happy and I’m not sad. I feel guilty if I beat my eating disorders rituals/thoughts, and feel guilty for staying in them. It’s always just one big lose lose situation. I’m not sick, but I’m not recovered. I look fine and well and sometimes act it to, just long enough for the thoughts to fill my head again. I want to be strong but I want to be small. And I want to be alive but I want to be dead. And I want to eat but I want to starve. And I want to be loved but I deserve to be hated. And I don’t know how to find middle ground. It’s just one big mess inside my head.
I don’t know what I want my life to look like. I’ve been so disconnected from my intuitive self that I find it hard to reconnect with what I want. Is there really a better life out there for me than being stuck in this depressing, fake ‘life’ void of any real excitement and meaning? I don’t know what I like anymore, I don’t have dreams, and basically I just never ever think about my future. So how am I suppose to choose a college and a major and a career??? I know I’m not the only one in this boat. Many teenagers don’t know either. BUT I feel like I need to know exactly what I want to do before I apply anywhere or else it will just be a waste of my time and money. I feel like I need to discover my career path that delievers my strengths to make an impact in other peoples lives. But it so hard when I don’t even know who I am, what I want, or what interests me..
One second I think I should study nutrition because that interests me and I already know a lot about it from a nutrition class I took. But then I think maybe thats just a lifestyle I want to live for myself, a holistic healthy life, and not make a career out of it. So I TRY to start thinking of other jobs I would maybe like or could do and I come up with NOTHING. I don’t know what I’m good at..
If someone could just make all the RIGHT decisions in my life for me that would be great!
..all i have to say is that
i have been broken for the last time
i do not think there is any hope to put me back together
i am so beyond shattered
i want everyone to leave me alone forever
i dont think i can live anymore
So the expression I don’t know what I’m feeling is getting over used, but it seems to be true. I really don’t know. ACTUALLY NO. I do know, but I just..I just can’t admit it. I’m mad, I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m furious, I’m lonely, I’m depressed, I’m sad.
I’m pushing every single person away, and people think I don’t care when in reality I’m just losing every bit of myself.
But I’m all alone, lost, drifting away into desolation. My mind is shut, insane. And my heart has lost the ability to believe.