I can’t stand to think my life is going by so fast and I’m not really living it. Why is it so hard to understand how incredible it is to be alive and young? I want people. I want places. I want emotions. I want connections. I want experiences. Time drives me crazy; The way I continue to stand still and watch it pass by.
I forgot about this blog. I didn’t want to remind myself about it. But I did. And here is what i think today.
Two years ago I made this blog. I made it so that I could keep myself mentally sane. I was in such a dark dark place in my life. I honestly don’t even remember it being so dark when I look back, but after reading it all i remember. As I was reading each post it tugged a string at my heart.
I remember how horrible I was to myself. I can’t believe I ever let the negative energy consume me and control my life. I want cry just thinking about how I let myself get that way.
I am not the same person I was two years ago. And I would like to congratulate myself for digging my way out. All my myself.
Everyday is not a walk in the park, but the world is spinning on and I try to inspire myself everyday that it is all worth it.
DID NOT GO BACK
THIS IS HOW I CHANGED MY MIND:
I’m starting to realize that if I want to recover at all, I need to rebuild my entire life and not just the eating part. I’ve decided to recover because I know I can’t win. I know that I have to be at a healthy weight for my own body. No matter what I will have to reach my set point one day so why not start now. By eating and fueling my body I will be winning.
I have to let my mind except the fact that this part of my life HAS to be over. No more treatment. No more escaping real life. No more being seen as the poor sick ghost girl. No more striving to lose weight and be sick. I have it let it all go. It’s over.
I feel like this whole lapse is completely my fault and therefore I am not really sick. Whenever I have a bad thought I want to train myself to turn it around into something positive instead of fueling the fire into staying sick. Because I find myself lighting that flame far too often.
I have to recognize the positives in being well, alive, living life or else I’ll be stuck feeling defeated and hopeless forever. I also think it will be important to surround myself with positive people and find more. And keep those I have met this past year that make me feel loved and know the real me there for support.
After all these years I am going to actually TRY. I was never trying before and that is why I am still here in this terrible place. I just wanted to MAINTAIN my eating disorder that way I could still have it. I didn’t see the point in living or being in recovery because they’re both miserable, but now I know I can use the power of my mind to not make it be that way. I’ve been sad for too long. Im no longer sure how to be happy. I should be though, right? RIGHT? I don’t have a reason to stay sad. But I’ve become so used to being sad that I find myself WANTING to be sad. Its addictive! That’s the number one thing I have to work on right now- how to find happiness.
I’m relying on my eating disorder to keep me company , give me a sense of self and security. I can’t anymore. I have to accept LIFE from this point forward, without intensive treatment. NO ONE CAN SAVE ME BUT MYSELF. So I have to do this on my own- FIND Elizabeth.
I have that “not sick enough” burden on me. I’ve never gotten help this fast. Usually I’m emaciated with a heart rate in the 30s. Currently have a normal heart rate and only need to gain 10 pounds instead of 30 pounds like usual. It’ll be three weeks to find a new fresh motivation to actually want to live again.
I finally made a therapy appointment after 5 long months and the results are in..
I’m too depressed to function and need antidepressants, but I refuse to take them. She said my other options without taking meds are these: I would need to get a job so I don’t stay in bed, I would need to attempt to make friends so I’m not lonely, and I would need to go to therapy and actually talk. We concluded IM TOO DEPRESSED TO ATTEMPT ANY OF THAT which gets me no where, hence medicine.
I’m running out time before college in the fall. something needs to click in my head that makes me want to get better and try 100% WITHOUT TAKING MEDICINE BECAUSE I REFUSE TO TAKE THAT ROUTE.
I’m not going back for another appointment because it’s just going to be the same conversation over and over again until I take the medicine. So I’m not wasting her time. And for now I guess I’ll continue to sit here in my bed and wait for a miracle.
Is there any hope out there?
Ohhhh and I’m thinking of switching therapists because we don’t have as good of a connection as I’d like, but I do not want to tell my whole life story over again..
it still shocks me when i realize i am not the only person in the world who thinks and feels such strange and awful things. going to wednesday night alumni group at the centre really hits me hard; so many people, so many emotions, so many secrets. everyone with the same and different issues. i always have to hold myself back from crying because i feel everyone’s sadness and it gets overwhelming. its almost like they are speaking for me. basically, we all carry the same pain. for once i feel like im not alone, not as crazy when im there.
it scares me how there is people who have been struggling for longer than i have been alive. it scares me that its going to get worse. it scares me that new people continually enter that door with the same problems. it scares me that many, many people have entered that door more than once, including me. before this moment i never realized how many men and women out there have eating disorders and suffer daily. you would think the choice between wasting your life away and living would be easier. we are a bunch of sick people trying to recover, dewsperately trying to encourage each other to do what none of us are absolutely convinced we want to do—get better.
i wish it really did get easier
i wish it really would get better
i wish we really could recover.
When I’m with my family or friends I feel like there is an invisible wall between us. I just can’t seem to connect with anybody on any level. I don’t know how to express feelings or emotions or talk about myself. I am dead inside. I’m not okay and I’m tired of pretending that I’m ‘fixed’ when I’m not. Sometimes I find myself sitting for a long period of time staring at nothing. Everything seems meaningless. I hate this overwhelming feeling that I don’t belong here and it wouldn’t matter much one way or the other if I just disappeared. Sometimes I wonder whats the point of anything if one day we’re not going to be here anyway. And when I think that I feel panicky because the fact that I can even think that way scares me, so I try not to think about it. But no one has any idea how pointless it all seems when you honestly believe you’re not good enough for anything.
No one understands how sad I am. or how lonely I feel. I even listen to depressing songs to make me feel worse. But why? why am i so unhappy? why am i constantly looking for reasons not to be happy? im so selfish. i loathe in self pity when there are people out there with worse lives and i should act more grateful. yet here i am addicted to the sadness i know so well. it is familiar, comfortable, and easy, but poisons everything i do at the same time. i cant turn it off and it comes naturally now. there is a sense that this is how its going to be now.
i dont know who i am anymore. i feel so lost and uninspired and ive been going through the motions of life, but not really living for a very long time.years have gone by and i havent done anything. im tired of going to bed at night knowing each day is going to be the same tedious struggle. there is nothing to live for. i am realizing more and more everyday how insignificant i am and everything is.
Now that I turned 18 I can make all of my own medical decisions. Good/Bad?
I am too depressed to move or function, but sadly that doesn’t get me out of class. I’m constantly torn between wanting to look perfect in school and not caring what I look like because I’m too lazy and depressed to even get out of bed. This week I’ve decided to throw my appearance out the window and dressing in sweatpants and crap because I’m sick of pretending I’m fine when I’m not.
UGH. I don’t want to do homework. I can’t. My brain is dead. I don’t know why this happens but it’s like if I try to do anything I just end up staring at the page for 10 minutes..my grades are totally slipping and I might even get my first B! I can’t even fathom the thought of that; I never want to see a B on my report card ever. I mostly do my homework in lunch while I eat. But I literally can’t do my homework until the last possible second, sometimes even finishing it up right up until I hand it in. It’s horrible.
I don’t ever want to do anything anymore. I’m just so sad all of the time. I zone out in class and at home. Time passes and I don’t even notice. I’m detached from my own life and from this world entirely. I actually kinda miss the days when the only thing I had to worry about was my meal plan and recovery and that shit. now I have to worry about real life problems and remember to brush my teeth and somehow I can’t seem to do that.
do you ever feel like youre decaying slowly because youre lonely and bored and have a lot of self hatred
i hate this overwhelming feeling that i don’t belong here and that it wouldn’t matter much one way or the other if i just disappeared.I honestly have the biggest urge to run away right now. Run away from the life that is my own, from my bedroom, my trivial problems and most of all my responsibilities. Delete my accounts, throw away my phone and take on the world. I could be a completely different person, or I could find who I really am. I just can’t help feeling trapped in this extraordinarily mundane routine of daily life. This is surviving. I want to live. I’m feeling the need to run away, but I think I’m the problem not my location, and unfortunately I take myself with me wherever I go.
the one and only thing i hate about recovery is how much of a roller coaster your days are. one day, you’re happy and smiling and feel on top of the world. you might feel like that the next day or the next few days. but suddenly, you feel horrible and want to cry to no end. i really hate it
Just because I can eat without freaking out does not mean I am not working for every bite. Just because I don’t cry every night (in front of you, anyway) does not mean that I am no longer struggling. Weight restored does not mean recovered. Every day, every meal, I have to fight this disorder with everything I have. I am trying as hard as I possibly can, and it wears me out.
I’m so tired.